Up in Smoke
by Tuesday Mourning
Summary: Ever see that one episode of Ren and Stimpy called "Space Madness?" Yeah, imagine that, only Bebop style.


Up in Smoke  
  
A Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction  
  
Spike gawked at the officer. He shook his head, and then cleared his ears of any waxy buildup. He then looked earnestly at the officer in front of him. "I'm sorry," he said, "but . . . what was that you just said?"  
  
"There's been a ban on smoking." The officer repeated. "It's a misdemeanor. There's been anti-smoking lobbies pushing for this for years, and they've finally made it a law. I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate any tobacco on you and fine you 1,500 woolongs."  
  
"Why, that's just ludicrous!" Jet protested. "It's my body, my lungs, my life, I should have the liberty of treating it as such."  
  
"That's exactly what all the druggies say when we arrest them." The officer noted. "In the eyes of the law, you're no different. Now, just pay the stupid fine . . ."  
  
"NO WAY!" Faye exclaimed. "We've worked hard for this thankless bounty, and I want every woolong for it. Now, gimme!"  
  
Spike pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and laid it out on the counter. "There. Now, let's get our money and go."  
  
Jet sighed and also pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and laid it out. The two of them looked at Faye. She pouted, and pulled out two packs of cigarettes from her back pockets, two from her front pockets, and two from inside her shirt. Spike and Jet exchanged confused glances. Ein barked at Faye knowingly. Faye sighed, and pulled out one last cigarette pack from the front of her shorts.  
  
"Is that all of it?" The officer asked.  
  
"Yes . . ." Faye growled.  
  
"Good." He looked at Edward. "And how about you, little boy?" He asked mockingly.  
  
"Ed is no boy. Ed is Ed." Edward explained. "And Ed has no smoke- smokes."  
  
"Then do me a favor and keep these three in line for me, will you, kiddo?" The officer said with a sly smile.  
  
"Ed will do it!" She said cheerfully.  
  
"Thatta boy." The officer said.  
  
"Ed is not a boy!"  
  
* * *  
  
The Bebop drifted in the far reaches of space. No good bounties had come up for three days. And already, most of the crew was jittery. Not because of fear, but because of the need for a nicotine fix.  
  
"I need a cigarette!" Faye announced.  
  
"Don't we all." Spike grumbled.  
  
"Where are they?" Faye demanded.  
  
"Ed hid them all." Jet responded, working on a bonsai. His hands were shaking. He accidentally snipped off a branch. "DAMMIT!" He shouted. "Faye, look what you made me do!"  
  
"I didn't make you do anything!" Faye said, defending herself.  
  
"Yes, you did! Look at my bonsai! It's ruined!"  
  
"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. Grumpy um . . . Pants!"  
  
"Where'd Ed hid the cigarettes?" Spike moaned. Suddenly, he heard the toilet flush. And again. And again. The three of them stood frozen in horror.  
  
"ED!"  
  
They rushed to the bathroom. Of course, while they were all clamoring for the door, another flush was heard, and the fighting intensified. Jet managed to open the door and pull Ed out, nearly flinging her against the wall.  
  
"WHERE ARE THEY?" The three tobacco-crazed adults shouted.  
  
"The smokey-smokes?" Ed asked. "Oh, Ed knows. They go flush flush down the potty. No more left!"  
  
They stared at Ed long and hard. Faye finally couldn't take it anymore. She curled her hands into fists and shouted to Ed: "I'M GONNA KILL YOU DEAD!"  
  
Edward shrieked, but managed to dodge Faye's punch. She flipped like an acrobat over the couch and crawled under the table, with Faye in hot pursuit. Faye, though, in her rage, was clumsy, and nearly flopped over the couch and gripped the edge of the table; Ed gabbed the opposite side. They bobbed back and forth, Faye trying to be ready to grab Ed whatever direction she decided to run. Ed then jumped up, stepping on Faye's face to escape and run down the halls of the Bebop past Spike and Jet.  
  
"WHY DIDN'T YOU GRAB HER?!" Faye shouted. Spike and jet stared at her stupidly. "GO GET HER!" She shouted, and they raced after Ed.  
  
The next 15 minutes consisted solely of Ed being chased by the rest of the Bebop crew. Ed led them around in circles, staying far out of reach of the quarreling adults as they gave chase. They were, needless to say, utterly exhausted. They decided to lay in wait for Ed. Another fifteen minutes passed, and Ed did not arrive.  
  
Spike began to shake like a nervous Chihuahua. He looked over at Jet, who was visibly the calmest of the group. Suddenly, Jet looked strikingly like the talking cigarette from Doonesbury.  
  
"Spike? What's wrong?" Jet asked.  
  
Spike had the look of a man who had snapped. His hands twitched and his eyes were bloodshot, and he finally couldn't stand it any longer. "I'M GONNA ROLL YOU UP AND SMOKE YA LIKE A CIGAR, BITCH!" He shouted, and lunged at him with the fury of a rabid monkey.  
  
The two tussled and fought, punching and kicking and screeching like angry squirrels. Faye finally picked up a conveniently placed beer bottle and whacked Spike in the back of the head. This immediately knocked Spike unconscious. She panted, and frowned at the bottle. It was full, and a waste of perfectly good alcohol. She and Jet exchanged glances, and went out to search for Ed.  
  
* * *  
  
"Ooooohhhh, Chicken go cluck, cluck! Cow go moo! Piggy go snort, snort! How 'bout you!" Ed sand happily too herself. "Gotta be an animal, just like you! Everybod- . . ." She stopped. She thought she heard something. She looked around. The others could be watching her.  
  
"Hell-ooooo? Who is there? Come out where Ed can see you!"  
  
No one answered. She started to walk off when Faye and Jet grabbed Ed by her arms while she squealed like a pig.  
  
"Gotcha!" Faye declared. "Now, where did you hide my smokes?" She inquired.  
  
"Ed not have no more!" Ed confessed. "Now please let go! You hurt Ed's arm!"  
  
Ein barked, commanding the attention of Faye and Jet. They looked up and saw that Ein had, between his two front paws, a pack of cigarettes.  
  
Faye and Jet looked at each other. Faye then swiftly kicked Jet in the balls, and then balled her fists together to knock him upside the head. Ein immediately picked up the pack of cigarettes in his jaws and ran like his tail was on fire. Faye forgot about Ed and chased Ein.  
  
Ed looked down and Jet and sighed. "Poor Mr. Jet-Jet. Other than that, everything goes as planned. Go, go, go Ein!" And she ran over to the computer.  
  
Faye, though, was much more occupied with getting that last pack of cigarettes. She doggedly pursued Ein all the way to the docking port, where the Swordfish was. Ein stopped underneath the left wing of the Swordfish, dropped the pack, and barked at Faye.  
  
"Gooood doggie . . . Niiiiice doggie . . . c'mere with them smokes." She scooted underneath the wing and grabbed the pack of cigarettes away from Ein. She laughed, high off of the sweet fumes of victory. "I won! I won! Ha ha ha ha! They're mine! My precious! My preeeeecioussssss . . ."  
  
Ed had anticipated this. She hacked into the Swordfish's computer and started it. "Bad ole' Faye is not gonna get them smokey-smokes. Ed won't let her! Hee hee!"  
  
Faye was still laughing when the Swordfish started to turn. She noticed the noise, but wasn't sure whether to ignore it. She turned around only to be smacked right in the forehead by one of the wings. She collapsed and was unconscious. The tiny ship stopped, and Ein left the port.  
  
When Ein returned, he barked to let Edward know of their success. Ed grinned from ear to ear. "It worked!" She hugged Ein. "Good poochie- poochie. Now we can all be happy-happy 'cuz Ed saved Bebop crew from bad ole' smokes."  
  
Ein barked at her happily. 


End file.
